My video deals with my own complicated identity of being a skank -- after a series of romantic and sexual encounters gone awry, I'm left questioning what role the validation of others plays in my life. However, interestingly enough, the catalyst for my emo crisis was not real life but the play world and play situations of producing my video project, and the rejection I faced.
They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I think that's a little bit bullshit -- I certainly would have been much happier if my video had worked out the way I intended. However, I believe there is something to learn from every experience, even a big yet unspectacular failure. After a long series of rejections from potential co-stars, I was forced into an unfortunate spot: little time remaining, a drought of ideas, and a big bruise to my ego. I couldn't help but consider how the assignment had ended up messing with me on an emotional level, and rather than shying away from this shame, I decided to try to engage with it in a confessional style video. I call it a coming out video, but what exactly I am coming out as is purposely not so clear. My rejections and undesirability speak to an identity of shame, not anything to rally around. In this video, I try to come to terms with an incident that was deeply embarrassing to me, and hopefully figure something out from it. I see this as sort of a bizarre extension of my own coming out experiences, in sexuality and in body. I'm operating under the same philosophy, namely that there is some value in identifying and publicly discussing the issues of identity I struggle with. The difference is that this video is the only one to cause feelings of shame and embarrassment, while I felt proud during my other experiences. There is no glamour or camaraderie to admitting to being pathetic. I'm always interested in pushing myself as a subject, and this vulnerability is certainly the most difficult spot I've inhabited. However, I hope to achieve some sort of catharsis through this. But is talking frankly about this a political act?
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